A Wise Friend

I just had a meeting with my friend... He said I need to relax.

Relax...

He said I don't have reasons to be stressed. That I need to see what I have. And he managed to show me that I do have a lot. Take it easy - he said. Enjoy your freedom. Enjoy your life.

It is true that I fight. I fight constantly. I am stressed. I want to see the "I" around me. Why is that? What's been missing in my life?

Why can't I see what I have accomplished and be plainly happy about it? Is there anything particular that I want more of? In particular..? I don't see anything particular that I am missing.

Why do I get angry at the commercials in tv? Why do I get angry at the software or computer when it's not working properly? Why do I get angry at processes at work? Why do I take it all kind of personally? What is missing?

Why do I hammer into people with myself? Why do I try to make them believe what I believe? Why do I feel rejected and battered when they don't?

Why confrontation is the only way I know with people?! Why do I have to "shout out" myself?

Why? It makes me feel unsuccessful after all? Makes me dissatisfied with myself. What is it that I want to achieve?

I fight ever since I can remember. I have been fighting since very early in my life. What was I fighting for? Have I been fighting for attention? For acceptance? Did I have to fight to be loved? I might have...

I need to recostruct something. First though I need to discover what it is that I fight for. What is a cause so importnant to me subconciously that it needs constant defense? Constant struggle for?

I am beginning to see that I convulse around inside a quicksand of some conflict. A conflict that eats me. It is there and I cannot oust it with my mere intellect. I must be not seeing something. It is probably much deeper. Deeper under some neatly built net of rationalization.

How God damn perverse it is... There is two me. One is looking ahead. Looking with beliefs, hope, wisdom and wanting to shape the world around.
And there is this other me. Me of the past and me of the present. This me is bad. It is lost. Struggling. It is an ever-adapting and constantly adjusting me. A me that wants something but doesn't get it. A me looking to express what it wants but not knowing how. This me itself doesn't know what it is looking for.

Oh, I'm tired. Sooo tired...

I am normal. But then I am not.