I have been raised by people who had a twisted view of reality. I have been twisted too.
I have been taught mainly to watch out for people. People who would mostly want to take some advantage of me, of people who would be afraid of me because I was supposed to be better than them and they were supposed to know that somehow (sic!), etc., etc.
What I wasn't taught is how to be happy, how to pursue my dreams, that I am allowed to be happy and that actually, achieving happiness should be one of man's main objectives. I wasn't taught to work hard. I wasn't taught that every challenge, every goal I have requires sacrifices.
I was taught that normality (regularity) the ideal, the perfection, is the ultimate goal itself. I was encouraged to look for perfect people, I was taught that other than perfect is no good.
That's why I am actually constantly fighting with myself, other people, my close ones. Constantly live in some virtual, self created view of reality. Twisted... Tragic... Fuck... This is one of the reasons why other people struggle to understand me. Those who struggle have at least good intentions, 'cause most of others won't have time to struggle to know me, to meet me some half way...
I don't want that anymore. I feel ashame now that I understood it. I feel I've caused pain to many people in my life, not even realising it. I want to be better man. To be strong. Strong for others. Don't want to be constrained by my virtual, twisted, unreal, unnecessary needs.
But the really sad thing is that I can't just stop thinking this way because this way of thinking is all I know... Can you fuckin' comprehend the fuckness of this situation???!!! One knows that he is greatly unhappy, that he could be simply happy about self, about his life, be stronger, more of a bedrock by changing something in his thinking. He even knows what exactly should be changed. But he doesn't know what to change it with. He doesn't have that knowledge. He needs to learn it from a fuckin' scratch. All he can do is go to his paren't graves and throw some swearwords. Other than that he can only start to conciously experience things the new way, the corrected way. But he knows that it must take a lot of time. This precious last couple of moments of his youth. Youth which has not actually been youth but rather a retirement because of all this thinking and analysis he has done.
For the first time in my life I really need all that self-discipline, all that optimism and all that calm patience I presented during my sad and pitty youth.
I need that so that oly my youth is corrupted and not the rest of my life.
Noone can help me. This is where I am really alone. (But not in the dark any more).
