Possible Eureka.

It may well be that I simply have not been taught that nothing that has high quality comes to you by itself.

As simple and trivial as this may sound I am beginning to understand that nobody has really told me that.

It may well be that I am constantly uneasy and stressed because I have never really thought about what I really want in life. It has driven me to make many more and less serious mistakes. Mistakes in decisionmaking. Mistakes in commitments to things and people.

I think I have never really and conciously been commited to myself. To some concrete goals of mine. There was always only this childish dissapointment with things and people. Childish expectations that things should themselves become alright for me in some way. This is tragic in a way.

Now I am with this conclusion. It is difficult, even after understanding that to begin something new. Because I have to learn how to live with this new knowledge that everythign has a price tag attached.

For now, the only strategy that comes to my mind intuitively is to become more picky. More choosy in what I do, what people I hang out with, which hobbies I commit myself to, where to work, etc.

Wow! So I wasn't really an egoist all this time (I strongly believed I was). Wow! I guess I just was a child. An adolescent. Immature. Wow!

But this is releaving. I guess this is what I was afraid all this time. This is the truth that I was trying to shake all this time. Funny, 'cause I completely don't understand what happened now that I suddenly see it. But I don't really care - I won't analyse it again. I doesn't matter.

I could as well stop writing this blog...

Funny... I think this discovery may be a onsequence of another thought I had last night about how I approach people and how I see, think of and feel them.
I understood that the only thing I search in other people is me. Wow! I saw yesterday that I completely ignore who these people are. What THEY do; what are THEIR intrests; what books THEY read; what is THEIR history; what do THEY usually do in their life; how THEY dress; what's THEIR body language. I was only interested in discovering whether a connection exists between me and them. As a result the only people which wanted to kind of be with me or be around me where people who were either freaked out enough to be similar to me or weak people who neede me to feel stronger or people whom I have strongly impressed for some reason. God damn!

This is crazy to suddenly see all this. To realize this all at once.

This is a lot... But it is a revelation.