Bowling

...chcę wszystkich uświadomić, że w pewnym wieku alkohol, nawet w większych ilościach nie działa już na zakwasy.

Wow!

I am helping other people

and other people are helping me!

That's what I call Pakua.

Fingers crossed.

Where have I been all this time!

Teenager

Dzizas Krajst! Ja jestem nastolatkiem :D.

Kwiatuszek jebany, lol!

Amen.

Nie, nie, zaraz, zaraz...

...przecież ja w ogóle nie umiem kontrolować swoich emocji :D.

To stąd ta wyniosłość. Stąd ta rzekoma bariera.

Ale jaja.

Dzęki Atomówka. You made my day. Really :)

Momencik

Ale zaraz, zaraz....

Przecież smutek też jest potrzebny.

The Final Cut

Through the fish-eyed lens of tear stained eyes
I can barely define the shape of this moment in time
And far from flying high in clear blue skies
I'm spiraling down to the hole in the ground where I hide.

If you negotiate the minefield in the drive
And beat the dogs and cheat the cold electronic eyes
And if you make it past the shotgun in the hall,
Dial the combination, open the priesthole
And if I'm in I'll tell you what's behind the wall.

There's a kid who had a big hallucination
Making love to girls in magazines.
He wonders if you're sleeping with your new found faith.
Could anybody love him
Or is it just a crazy dream?

And if I show you my dark side
Will you still hold me tonight?
And if I open my heart to you
And show you my weak side
What would you do?
Would you sell your story to Rolling Stone?
Would you take the children away
And leave me alone?
And smile in reassurance
As you whisper down the phone?
Would you send me packing?
Or would you take me home?

Thought I oughta bare my naked feelings,
Thought I oughta tear the curtain down.
I held the blade in trembling hands
Prepared to make it but just then the phone rang
I never had the nerve to make the final cut.

Mirror

Manga,

I feel I am already there.

But you must stop me from making a step back. I am this close to making this step back every evening.

Please don't give up.

Another Implosion.

Shit, again...

Lots of emotion, lots of commotion.

Collission, continents crashing inside my head.

Loads... Torqes... Lots of it. Intense.

Then... A strong return. I'm confused, angry.

I miss it and... it's over.

Game over man!


Sounds so familiar...

Isn't that my whole life in a pill ;).

A bitter pill it is.

Ouch!

Science-Finction

Manga,

do I feel your distance or mine,

do I fell your resignation or mine,

do I feel your sadness or mine,

do I see your pain or mine,

do I see your insensibility that you're hiding or mine,

is it only me in this?

Where is you?

Are you hiding or is it me that is not looking,

is it me again seeing another mirror in you or is it you putting a mirror against the world,

is this all still science-fiction,

is this again just a futile inquiry into the nature of things,

is this again me...

Is this still possible?

No.

I am certain what I see is true.

But you have a different way.

Your hairpin bends are just crossing mine.

It is a coincidence.

Go, live your science-finction then, I'll stay with mine.

You have a different Pakua.

Padre!

Ojcze,

Wyrzucam Cię ze swojego życia…

Za to, że nie pokazywałeś , ze mnie kochasz tylko mówiłeś innym

Wyrzucam Cię ze swojego życia,

Za to, że nie chwaliłeś mnie tylko chwaliłeś się mną,

Wyrzucam Cię ze swojego życia,

Za to, że mówiłeś tylko po przyszłości a nie byłeś ze mną wtedy i tam,

Wyrzucam Cię ze swojego życia,

Za to, że wciąż czegoś chciałeś ode mnie, ale mnie nic nie dawałeś,

Wyrzucam Cię ze swojego życia,

Za to, że ciągle pokazywałeś, że inni są lepsi ode mnie,

Wyrzucam Cię ze swojego życia,

Za to, że nienawidziłeś mojej matki, a ja się tego od Ciebie nauczyłem

Wyrzucam Cię ze swojego życia,

Za to, że nie było Cię nigdy wtedy, gdy Ciebie potrzebowałem, bo inni byli ważniejsi,

Wyrzucam Cię ze swojego życia,

Za to, że zmusiłeś mnie abym marzył, ale nie pokazałeś jak marzenia realizować,

Wyrzucam Cię ze swojego życia,

Za to, że wpoiłeś mi agresję będąc do mnie agresywnym,

Wyrzucam Cię ze swojego życia,

Za to, że nauczyłeś mnie jak ranić najbliższych, bo ciągle mnie raniłeś,

Wyrzucam Cię ze swojego życia,

Za to, że nauczyłeś mnie bezwzględności do tych których kocham,

Wyrzucam Cię ze swojego życia,

Za to, że cierpię przez Ciebie od zawsze,

Wyrzucam Cię ze swojego życia,

Za to, że Cię kochałem,

Wyrzucam Cię ze swojego życia,

Za to, że nie dostrzegłeś we mnie swojego syna,

Wyrzucam Cię ze swojego życia,

Wyrzucam Cię z mojego życia, bo nie zasługujesz żeby być moim Ojcem,

Wyrzucam Cię ze swojego życia, bo jestem piękny a Ty mi tego nie umiałeś pokazać,

Wyrzucam Cię ze swojego życia, bo byłeś tym jedynym, a jednak mnie zawiodłeś.

Wyrzucam Cię ze swojego życia,

Spierdalaj…

Zwykłość

Będąc już po codziennym rytuale pokazywania faków zdjęciu moich rodziców mogę powiedzieć coś mądrego....


Wszystko jest zwykłe.

Piękno jest niezwykłe.

Time Machine

Jako, że w końcu jestem Firanką to poszedłem dziś do kina i wpierdoliłem wielki popcorn, wielką cole i do tego baniak M&Msów.

Reklamy zagłuszyłem drum and basem. Niech się pierdolą z tymi reklamami.

Niech żyje bycie sobą!!!

Mam wrażenie, że jestem jedyny na świecie. Że odkrywam to wszystko na nowo.

Do tego wcale nie olewam swojej przeszłości.

Bo jestem swoją przeszłością....

The past and the future connect in me in today and in now.

The optics change from tele to standard.

I will live in the stadnard for a while.

Then I'll start working on the macro...

Jestem Firanką...

Jestem Firanką albowiem nie stawiam oporu.

Wokół jest spokój.

Cierpienie jest we mnie...

This all comes down to...

...letting go.

I must let go of everything. Everything I know and I've learned.

I must rise up and fly. I must leave it all on the ground and let it go.

I must let it be. I must accept it all and let it be.

But I must get over and leave it behind.

I want to start living. I want to start touching.

I want contact. I must rid myself of the plastic.

I want to accept the here and now.

I want to accept the futility and be born again.

I want to get down on it.

I want this ride.


I want to safely fall out of the plane.

My Manga and... My Pakua.

Dear Manga,

"There's something natural in the way you touch me
it's a feeling that I can't describe
something mystic in that soul connection
something magic in your misty eyes

Don't you say that it's all the same
don't you say that it's all the same, no
'cos there's something that I can't explain, 'bout this
something that I can't explain, yeah yeah

I can't explain
Oh no ooh
Hey, yeah

before the night is over
i wanna shake the question
i wanna leave it for now
without another mention
we should be letting go
instead of holding on
but in the eye in my mind
the mystery is born

no use in looking further
you know it isn't there
and you can stare all you want
the answers won't appear
try to find it but i lose myself
i lose myself in you
i said, i lose myself in you
yes, i lose myself in you
yeah, i lose myself in you

breathe easy lovers (x4)
breathe easy

i know you're only wasting time
breathe easy
questioning between the lines
breathe easy
feeling knows no name
it is, what it is, and there's no explaining
what it is, what it is, yeah yeah-eah
there's something natural in the way you touch me
it's a feeling that i can't describe
something mystic in that soul connection
something magic in your misty eyes

don't you say that it's all the same
don't you say that it's all the same, no
'cos there's something that i can't explain, 'bout this
something that i can't explain, yeah yeah"

...but it musn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

You little Manga....

Dear Manga,

you came to my life right when I am open. Right when I started to hear. Right when I began to see. Right when I am reconnecting.

I want to feel that this is not by chance. But I know it is just coincidence. I brought you in because you had a razor in your eyes. Those beautiful eyes.

And...?

Nothing.

COINCIDENCES! COME, COME! YOU'RE WELCOME!

Chit-chat

My Pakua has spoken back.

The truth is I don't want to give myself to anyone.

I want to give AWAY the load that's not mine.

Giving yourself to other people is really veiled burdening them with yourself.

You STOMP on them. You CRUSH them with your load. And it doesn't help you at all.

The time is to unload.

The time is to make take a loop and not be afraid to start from the beginning.

Vandal

There's too many things inside me.

There's too much longing in me.

There's too much cry.

There's too much sorrow.

I can't make it.

I can't cry though I want.

I can't love for I will love too much.

I can't get into for I will run away.

I can't run away for there is no hiding.

I can't build for I destroy.

I am little.

I am scared.

I am a destroyer.

Can't go fast for I will blow.

Can't discover more for I will jump.

Why do I need others helping me.

What I can do is meaningless for I do not exist alone.

My humanity cannot rise above the very being I am.

I cannot be an object and a subject.

Why do we need others?

Why can't we just shut the doors and end our days in peace.

Why do we distrub ourselves all the time.

Why do I have to have all these feelings inside me?!

Why there has to be pain?

How much longer?


I am getting weak for I start to feel.

I don't know how should I feel...

My Father

I had a dream today...

I drove a car and my Father drove a car. We were talking (don't ask me how because it was a dream)...

He was not satisfied with me. He was dissatisfied. He was discontent.

This time I took a closer look at him.

What I saw was staggering...

I looked into his eyes...

And I saw myself...

It is me...

Sign of Change

There must be lot of change taking place inside me because I just received another request from one of my friends to talk to me more about life, their problems and my views on them.

Its edifying to see how I have a soothing effect on people.

Synthetically..

Here I am calling

My fear is greater than my courage
My weakness is greater than my might
Confusion is greater than my wisdom
The darkness seems greater than the light

Hear I am calling

My problems outnumber the solutions
My doubts are greater than my hope
My burden is more than I can carry
I have lost my ability to cope

Hear I am calling

I am influenced by lies and misconceptions
I cannot trust the thoughts inside my mind
I know I have wandered from the pathway
I cannot find my way for I am blind

Hear I am calling

The banishment of my Darth Maul.

Yesterday I've banished my inner Darth Maul.

I left him at my friend's apartment.

To my astonishment he stayed there. Maybe forever. Hopefuly because he is a creature that kept telling me that my life needs to be better. All the time better. One son of a bitch - I'm telling you. He was swinging his red light sabre at things and people and he was wheezing beside me with discontent with my life. Now he's gone. And it works.

When he dissapeared I noticed another guy hiding behind a monstrous figure of Maul.

It is.... Obi Wan Kenobi. Yes, himself. He has that green light sabre and he is using it much less but more profoundly. He is calm, concentrated, introvert, thinking, analysing, restricted and constantly tries to foresee the future.

Getting rid of him will be more difficult. This one is wiser. More anticipating. His kung-fu is stronger as he is more humane. He is very wise and educated.

You need to be the same to beat that guy. You need to use the same weapons.

Or maybe, one day I'll manage to just talk him out of stalking me.

I don't do anything without Obi Wan's permission. I keep gazing at him all the time. I am trying to gues what he thinks. I need him. I guess I am afraid that when I let him go I will be alone. That I will be defenseless...

I need to delop my own Pakua.

A mix.

Today I've done my first few mixes. It's gonna be a hell of work to get there but I think it's worth trying to make my own mixes for listening later.

The Others

There is really no me...

There is only what Others have told me about myself...

RIP: 10/12/2008 - 08/01/2209

The Spanish Alternative turned out not to be na option. The truth presented itself yesterday - Spanish Alternative is taken. Poor me....

But have I met a big part of me because of her... Oh, have I!

Hairpin Bends.

I am going through a very bumby road.

I take sharp turns. One time I don't like myself. Other time I feel I am building myself.

One time I have high hopes and see a defined horizon in front of me. Other time I fall. I slide down like on ice. Slide down into fear of uncertainty.

One time I belive I really know where I want to go. Other times I question everything I think and do.

One time I respect. Other time I feel it's all worthless.

One instance I feel I am at the right time at the right place. Other times I feel I am yet again late for something. I feel that there was something great for me but it is there no longer.

I feel I am late with my life...

Emotions

It's time to admit this - I am emotional. Time to say goodbye to macho pretending.

I've built a net of absurdities to cover this fact from myself. Impressing net.

Possible Eureka.

It may well be that I simply have not been taught that nothing that has high quality comes to you by itself.

As simple and trivial as this may sound I am beginning to understand that nobody has really told me that.

It may well be that I am constantly uneasy and stressed because I have never really thought about what I really want in life. It has driven me to make many more and less serious mistakes. Mistakes in decisionmaking. Mistakes in commitments to things and people.

I think I have never really and conciously been commited to myself. To some concrete goals of mine. There was always only this childish dissapointment with things and people. Childish expectations that things should themselves become alright for me in some way. This is tragic in a way.

Now I am with this conclusion. It is difficult, even after understanding that to begin something new. Because I have to learn how to live with this new knowledge that everythign has a price tag attached.

For now, the only strategy that comes to my mind intuitively is to become more picky. More choosy in what I do, what people I hang out with, which hobbies I commit myself to, where to work, etc.

Wow! So I wasn't really an egoist all this time (I strongly believed I was). Wow! I guess I just was a child. An adolescent. Immature. Wow!

But this is releaving. I guess this is what I was afraid all this time. This is the truth that I was trying to shake all this time. Funny, 'cause I completely don't understand what happened now that I suddenly see it. But I don't really care - I won't analyse it again. I doesn't matter.

I could as well stop writing this blog...

Funny... I think this discovery may be a onsequence of another thought I had last night about how I approach people and how I see, think of and feel them.
I understood that the only thing I search in other people is me. Wow! I saw yesterday that I completely ignore who these people are. What THEY do; what are THEIR intrests; what books THEY read; what is THEIR history; what do THEY usually do in their life; how THEY dress; what's THEIR body language. I was only interested in discovering whether a connection exists between me and them. As a result the only people which wanted to kind of be with me or be around me where people who were either freaked out enough to be similar to me or weak people who neede me to feel stronger or people whom I have strongly impressed for some reason. God damn!

This is crazy to suddenly see all this. To realize this all at once.

This is a lot... But it is a revelation.

Contradiction

Yes... I do have a lot. I did accomplish a lot. I do see it now.

I suddenly saw that the thing I am really afraid of is the plain fact that there is not much more that I can have. Yes. The whole thing is contrary to what I thought.

The whole point is to start taking from what I have accumulated through the years. Start to take advantage of that. And not wait to accumulate more. Not wait for anything else. All else that there is or might be is for me to build on what I have accumulated until now. Build on the base that I've created.

When I realised this yesterday at night my inner interlocutor just dropped silent. He had nothing more to say.

This is the first sign of significant change. The schemes will return to haunt me I know. But with less and less power. I can feel that.

A Wise Friend

I just had a meeting with my friend... He said I need to relax.

Relax...

He said I don't have reasons to be stressed. That I need to see what I have. And he managed to show me that I do have a lot. Take it easy - he said. Enjoy your freedom. Enjoy your life.

It is true that I fight. I fight constantly. I am stressed. I want to see the "I" around me. Why is that? What's been missing in my life?

Why can't I see what I have accomplished and be plainly happy about it? Is there anything particular that I want more of? In particular..? I don't see anything particular that I am missing.

Why do I get angry at the commercials in tv? Why do I get angry at the software or computer when it's not working properly? Why do I get angry at processes at work? Why do I take it all kind of personally? What is missing?

Why do I hammer into people with myself? Why do I try to make them believe what I believe? Why do I feel rejected and battered when they don't?

Why confrontation is the only way I know with people?! Why do I have to "shout out" myself?

Why? It makes me feel unsuccessful after all? Makes me dissatisfied with myself. What is it that I want to achieve?

I fight ever since I can remember. I have been fighting since very early in my life. What was I fighting for? Have I been fighting for attention? For acceptance? Did I have to fight to be loved? I might have...

I need to recostruct something. First though I need to discover what it is that I fight for. What is a cause so importnant to me subconciously that it needs constant defense? Constant struggle for?

I am beginning to see that I convulse around inside a quicksand of some conflict. A conflict that eats me. It is there and I cannot oust it with my mere intellect. I must be not seeing something. It is probably much deeper. Deeper under some neatly built net of rationalization.

How God damn perverse it is... There is two me. One is looking ahead. Looking with beliefs, hope, wisdom and wanting to shape the world around.
And there is this other me. Me of the past and me of the present. This me is bad. It is lost. Struggling. It is an ever-adapting and constantly adjusting me. A me that wants something but doesn't get it. A me looking to express what it wants but not knowing how. This me itself doesn't know what it is looking for.

Oh, I'm tired. Sooo tired...

I am normal. But then I am not.

The Important Meaning of Insignificance.

There is not many objectively important things in my life (outside)... I dwell inside. Inside myself. Outside is.... I do not know how to organize my outside... My outside (the world around me) seems to be filled with horrible insignificance. Most of all meaningless people. Meak people. People who just exist. The people are afraid or too narrow minded to assing meanings to events in their lives.

I feel very alone in this because of the fact that I am very sensitive and to some extent shy.

I did got trapped too. Overwhelming feeling of my self being misfit pushed me to fall in the trap of neglecting everything I've been tough at home. I've lost myself to an aggressive negation of all the information I received from my family. Hence, to an aggressive fight with my identity. This lasted I don't know exactly when from. Enough to say is that I noticed it today. The feeling of conflict followed me around for some time.

Now I sit in front of my computer. Calm. Dirty. My apartment sinking in dust and cigarette smoke. I smell with cheap cologne. I don't have any fancy clothes. I should buy new shoes. I don't care about these things. I don't care much about my egoisitic self now. I feel free. I finally feel...

It's a beautiful day. The sun is shining. I am listening to Herbert's Scale and everything seems to be in place. Drum and Bass is not what it used to be for me any more. I feel.

For so long I've been looking for a meaning outside of myself. Lately I've been starting to comprehend that the meaning is in me after all.

The history circled a loop. The renaissance of self is here. Of new self. More concious self. The self not relating. Truly individual, free self. There is nothing else.

There is only the meaning that the self assigns. Not to the entire extent yet of course as this is I suppose an unattainable idealistic goal. But I made a step forward.

There is only me. Not in an egoistic, entangled way. But me responsible. Me consequent. Me aware of true self. Me aware of the true needs of self. True values and true goals.

The insignificance is no longer mine. It is outside. Even if it is only me that I am significant to. That's the point. There is nothng strange in this fact. I am human. I am not the Sun.The Sun is there. It is outside. It is insignificant.

Significance of my life... MY LIFE! It is all there is. No one except me wil reinforce it. No one but me will give me courage.

Nothing that is separate from me will bring my dreams to existence. The significance is in me. I am the source of my happiness. Significance is subjective.

I give the significance. Everything else is insignificant.

2009

I will make this year better.

I will be honest with myself. I will not bend the reality.

I will be brave but rational.

I will be responsible.

I will be consistent.

I will not stop looking.

I will treat myself seriously.

I will not escape.