Spanish

Today I started learning Spanish. I'm so happy I made this first step.

I am learning from podcasts. For now it's enough.

Later if things develop with the Spanish Alternative I will add something.

The 'I'.

There is only I in my world...

the I exists on a huge, windy desert. Guarding its territory.
Surrounded by meticulously laid mine fields. Cruel traps filled with shrapnel.
With a jagged flag stuck in the middle of my camp.
I sit there with my guns and look around with suspicion and hostility.
I will kill every intruder.
I defend... I forgot what...

I am like the Mad Max...

There is only this distant horizon dancing with shadows. Shadows of other people.


I have imprisoned myself.

The Me imprisoned by the Self.

A man imprisoned by a child.

A man afraid to feel.

A man without a parent.

A man with the gun.

A man hunting for himself.

Constant Opposition

I am in constant collision with the outside world.

I am like a continent and other people and phenomena are also continents. My life is a constant, heating collision. The magma moves around. Pushes and stretches. These clashes abrade my soul. This abrasion constantly shapes my inside into new forms. There is no end. I travel as magma. Up, down and sideway currents. Different parts - different emotional temperatures in different cycles. Nothing is constant. Repeating convections bring an LSD-like experience. I can't anchor anywhere. Same things are contnously different and new. I do not know anything. I never return home. It is always some other place. I long for what's known and constant.


But then.... I am afraid of constant. Constant is but easy. Constant is safe and I yet don't want safe. I WANT to travel. I WANT to discover. I WANT to redefine. Because I LIVE this way. I WANT to SCRATCH MY WOUNDS. I WANT TO BLEED...

Because this is how I lived my entire life... I don't know anything else.

I am a wounded predator. Running away and chasing at the same time.

All this bullshit is only subjective. Nothing of this is outside.

This is critical.

I'm in a loop.

I am not here...

I am not here....

I exist only between the lines I write. I am drops of ink that bind with paper. I want to stay there and ship myself to Spain.

I just want to realize what I wanted since the beginning... It is so close I hope...

God! If you are there! Let my quest come to an end.

Guide me to do the right things you motherfucker. Help me for once. I deserve it. I deserve to be unconditionally happy. I am ready to give myself in. I am ready to sacrifice.

Let me have what I think I've found. Let me finally breathe with a full chest. Give me peace. Give me the one.

Then leave me alone...

Spanish Alternative.

On Dec 1oth a Spanish alternative appeared. Unexpected. Without a warning. Came crushing my inside. Cought me completely off guard.

I want this alternative to work as I am in tune with it. So much in tune I've never been before.

If the Alternative works I would have to learn a lot of new things. But then I am sure I would be given a lot in exchange.

I hope this to be it. I hope to go along, to feel the drift.

I hope 2009 will bring the choice and if right - a lot of good change to my life. Surely, a lot of movement.

Truth about me.

This is all bull shit. I am lying to myself. All the time lying.

Truth is I am very lonely. I miss my family. And I don't feel good at all despite all the effort I put in beliving so.

When will I say good bye to my past? Pleeeease! Somebody help me or I'll go crazy.

I think I see people around me who are happy. I see kids being born. I see people having hopes, believing in each other. Loving. Smiling.

Fuuuuck! Jesus!

What do I have to do? How much do I have to pay? Tell me. I'm pounding my head against a glass wall. I see what's behind but somehow I don't allow myself to break through; to find love; to believe in other people; to break free.

Why is it so god damn it?! I want all this but don't know how to get there.

And the worst shit is that I know it is me... That the problem is in me! I hate all my fucking past. Why?! Does it mean that I hate myself? What did I do to deserve this? Nothing, I only suffered my entire fucking life. Does it have an end? What's wrong god damn it? I'm not psychotic. I need other people as others. I want to have family. I want to love.

But why the hell I can't? Why do I feel that can't find the right person to do it. As if all right persons took a hike and hid away from me. I feel like I'm on a god damn desert. Is wanting someone extraordinary a bad thing? An impossible thing? I know it's not!

How long do I have to look for the one? I am crying inside. I am so tired. I feel I deserve to find the one. I feel I paid all my debts already if I had any. I get irresponsibly entangled in relationships which are not fulfilling to me and then I burn. But I want a family and kids so much that I keep burning. Burning on fake hope that things will be alright. That I will make it this time. But I never make it.

What is between me and the world that blocks me from seeing the way out of this misery?

Am I too sensitive? Expecting too much? Too much self preoccupied? Looking the worng ways? Passing by opportunities? Scaring people off? Am I too boring? To inquisitive? Too fucking much analysing everything? To lonesome? Too much wanting to be loved and to love?

Why is it that I find people who love me but I can't love them back? Thruth is I am not looking. But fuckin' waiting. Waiting to be found by some crazy love fairy and shown the right person. Without risk. Without effort. Why there is something inside me that tells me: hey - this is not the one. Do I have to travel around the world to find the one?

No, I am not going to acommodate. I am not going to follow the line of least resistance. No fucking way! No way! It is genetically against me. I just can't set on a compromise.

I need someone who'd impress me. Someone whom I'd respect. Someone unique. Someone being special to me. Someone interesting. Someone as strong as I am in pursuing and knowing and feeling.

Thing is (very cruel thing) that when I find that someone, she may think of me along the lines that I wrote above. This she may not notice me, may not be interested in me because of the same reasons I don't see others... Because "the-one-she" may not see me as interesting enough, respectworthy enough, unique enough and special enough.

If this would happen, I don't know what I can do to myself. Really. Because this would be a complete breakdown for me. A complete collapse of my beliefs. A denial of my entire life's education.

A bigger part of me still wants to fight, lives on a hope. But there is a small part growing each time my relationships don't work. This part is scared that all this is bullshit. That I am full of it. That al that I thought of during my entire life is bull shit. Wothless. Alien. Irrelevant.

Al I can do is believe that what I want is simply very rare and hence difficult to find. But that it is somewhere. Only question being: is this woman even coexistent. She may be there but in a different time... She might've lived a hundred years ago or not be even born yet. (I'm getting romantic here).

I want to be freed from this? Please! Someone!

The Only Direction

Tonight I watched a stupid movie about love. A stupid, simplistic, Hollywood movie about love...

And I cried...

I cried because love is so difficult to find. Mutual love. Love felt by two people to each other at the same time. It is such an effort to find true love.

It is such an effort to find balance in life.

But on the other hand there is only one direction. To find happiness. There is none else. Whatever the circumstances, the only way is forward, towards the better. So what else is there in life than to pursue it?

There is no time in life to fear defeat. There is no time to be said, to think about the past, the things you could've done or could've done better. No time to think about what you've lost and what coul've had but've had not.

There is only one direction.

Put an effort into it. You have nothing to loose.

Oil... Helo!

By the way, what do you think about the current crude oil price - it's dropped to 43 a barrel.

I'm sorry but I'm getting scared shitless here.

Do you want to move to Mars with me?

My Mother.

I've discovered the big truth about me and my Mother and I want you all to know it.


I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT HER!


My life will start changing now.

I will start choosing everything that has to do with everything but her.

Now enjoy with me...

Imprisoned by darkness

Days are getting shorter. Today it got dark around 4 pm. I hate it. I feel like I'm in prison in this darkness. And it is not a nice, romantic late, warm darkness of summer or spring. Outside it is windy, cold and misty. And it's only going to get worse. I need to move south somewhere... Jesus I hate such weather.

Crude Oil Price

Considering what is happening lately to the prices of crude oil I am feeling compelled to place a tracking gadget on this blog so the ones that are interested can track it from here. Its price fell another US$10 last couple of days. That's fast. And if you consider that it was US$150 just couple of months ago it is stunning.

Infrastructure Shit

I am living alone again. I couldn't make it with my girlfriend. It is not happening for the first time in my life. But now it is much different, because I'm beginning to see which part of me has problems with partners and why. I am working on this right now. It'll take some time though. It is not easy to correct oneself. Especially where the true motives were hidden for the majority of ones life.

So, alone again means infrastructure again. House cleaning, dusting, washing dishes three times a day, chasing each lone tea spoon around my little apartment so that the mess hasn't got a chance to start. Laundering twice a week. Keeping shirts apart to wash them without tumbling cause you with your iron don't have a chance if you don't. Care about your iron people. This a part of your infrastructure. Very important one. Iron, Bath, WC, sinks, vacuum cleaners, TV, PC, lamps, friges. Break one of these and you're doomed man. The self-sustainability suddenly disappears. Suddenly you have to get out and search for a spare part or someone to fix it. Suddenly you are vulnerable.

And that’s not all. You need to make your shopping. Do your meals and not die in the process….

You need to be ALONE in your flat. And BE there. And NOT CRY. And be LOOKING DEEP INSIDE you every time your eyes start watering to look for answers. And you NEED TO FIGHT to live. You need to ASK YOURSELF QUESTIONS all the fucking time. You need to BE STRONG when there is NOWHERE TO TAKE THE STRENGTH FROM. You need to BE AN ADULT not to kill yourself.

….. i need to let go of her... The one that wasn’t there when and where she should be. The one that was supposed to love me but didn’t show it. The one that was closed in herself and so much not there…

Commandments - Attempt 01

I am so tired of myself lately that I devised a little catalog in order to manipulate myself to become a better me. A me better (by better I mean more realistically) knowing myself, better judging other people, situations and finally to better judge me.

Here it is. It will surely evolve - hence the "Attempt 01" in the title.

1. Learn to ignore yourself when what you feel about yourself turns you down. See if what you feel is a real fact (you could give real arguments for it in a conversation with someone) or is it just something that you feel.
2. Learn to be a mentor to yourself. Fathers and Mothers are not always the best ones. If feelings of low self esteem, little respect to oneself, sadness, disbelief, skepticism, pessimism, etc. dominate your life - your parents/family did not do a good job. See if the bad things that you feel about yourself are really your opinions. I bet that most of the time they're not. They come from someone else in your past.
3. See the good in you. It is not easy but allow it and give it some time.
4. When you fear do ask yourself what is it that you fear. Is it really the thing that you think you are afraid of?
5. Don't let the time just pass. Give it some meaning. Any. Do things.
6. Make plans (start with small, short term) and stick to them.
7. Do not run away from your dreams. You can get there if you wish.
8. Don't think about your dreams all the time. Think of a way to achieve them.
9. Do not let the things or situations turn you down. You control them (especially things). You assign meanings to things and situations and not the other way around.
10. See that people and situations cause you to manipulate yourself into various emotional and intellectual states. All is cool as long as these states are objectively correct (I know it is difficult to discern). But if you see that they're not remember: It is not them (people, situations) who manipulate you but it is you who manipulate yourself to feel something or some way. You can assign different meaning. Draw different conclusions.

....I just read it again. Jesus it sound stupid. I had to let it out though...

Syberia - reflections

One reflection for those who e-mail me from time to time...

I am going through my pictures I took when traveling to Siberia back just two months ago. As usually it seems that now I like the trip more then I did during the actual travel. It is always funny to feel this difference (it's not the first time I see it happenning).

I think the thing is that when you are travelling on a long trip you are simply so tired that at the time you're there you're just to tired to fully engage yourself (emotionally) into the places that you are at/travel through. I remeber that we even had some free time, so I/we could feel the places, especially Irkutsk, Bolschoye Goloustnoje, and the Olkhon Island.

There is so much energy and fantasy just emanating from all those pictures. Yet I still remeber clearly taking many of them just to take them, to make that stamp in time, to take that footprint back with me. I remember then also that I was just very tired of the travel, low standard acommodations we had, the heat, etc. I guess its normal... There are even some pictures that bring back emotions of exhaustion and anger just by looking at them though beautiful themselves. . I guess this is what I was feeling when taking them.

Or maybe it is the rush of travel? After all the best place I got "engaged" into was the god damn train I spent three days and four nights in. In other places we spent max the same and with many sightseeing and local travel...

What do you think? Do you feel the same way too when looking at the pictures from your exotic travel? Share it with me. I am always interested in what's the point of view of my readers.

The Child I am.

I am nothing but a child. I fear challenges because I may not make it. I fear defeat.

I show a face of child to other people. I feel as I was a child when with other people.

I am a child who is very lonely.

I try to fill the emptyness with things, short term hobbies and relationships but it doesn't work.

I was always alone.

This is what was always there for me but I din't see it.

...Lonelyness.

It kills me...

Slowly...

The "people-self".

I like to be alone.

When I am alone I feel strong and confident as to who I am and what I want. I am ok with this self.

When I'm with people, everything bounces off of them and mirrors back to me. I see my other self that I don't like. That's why I like to be alone.

A clue to my sorrow

My sorrow is about this: nobody tought me how to be happy and how to be sad. How to enjoy the times of succes and times of defeat. That is it.

Back to the Business

Hi. I just returned from Syberia. Yes, that's right - from Syberia. A three week long journey across Asia to Ulan-Ude and back. One way by train, the other by plane.

I wanted to take a break from everything, and I did. I did so much of this taking a break that I got tired andwanted badly to come back home. Simply put it turned out that I became an urban animal. I missed the shower (in Russian countryside you have these little bath houses) , tv, cinema, McDonald's (sic!) and few square meters of my own.

All in all I got exhausted by this trip. And I see it is good :). It did realx me from my temporality. Actually inspite of discomforts of journeying like this (it was a low cost, tramping) I became convinced of their strong educative character. It is not necessarily only about a place where you are currently travelling but also, or even mostly about the people you travel with or meet along the way. You learn from them, and not so much from the places you visit.

Well, I came back to a new job; Went back to work; Back to a regular life. If you could only see the photos I made during my trip. Maan. Anyway...

- No, I am not sad. Sadness does want to get me though. I can fell her. But I won't let her. She owes me a break at least.

A clue.

Taking notes, recording a diary, videotaping a diary, blogging... These self-remedy tools may be effective to some extent...

Talk to people. Especially those important ones.

This is where you will see a mirror of you. In them. Not in some recordings, videos, paper scraps or blogs of yours.

Reality Bias

I have been raised by people who had a twisted view of reality. I have been twisted too.
I have been taught mainly to watch out for people. People who would mostly want to take some advantage of me, of people who would be afraid of me because I was supposed to be better than them and they were supposed to know that somehow (sic!), etc., etc.
What I wasn't taught is how to be happy, how to pursue my dreams, that I am allowed to be happy and that actually, achieving happiness should be one of man's main objectives. I wasn't taught to work hard. I wasn't taught that every challenge, every goal I have requires sacrifices.
I was taught that normality (regularity) the ideal, the perfection, is the ultimate goal itself. I was encouraged to look for perfect people, I was taught that other than perfect is no good.

That's why I am actually constantly fighting with myself, other people, my close ones. Constantly live in some virtual, self created view of reality. Twisted... Tragic... Fuck... This is one of the reasons why other people struggle to understand me. Those who struggle have at least good intentions, 'cause most of others won't have time to struggle to know me, to meet me some half way...

I don't want that anymore. I feel ashame now that I understood it. I feel I've caused pain to many people in my life, not even realising it. I want to be better man. To be strong. Strong for others. Don't want to be constrained by my virtual, twisted, unreal, unnecessary needs.

But the really sad thing is that I can't just stop thinking this way because this way of thinking is all I know... Can you fuckin' comprehend the fuckness of this situation???!!! One knows that he is greatly unhappy, that he could be simply happy about self, about his life, be stronger, more of a bedrock by changing something in his thinking. He even knows what exactly should be changed. But he doesn't know what to change it with. He doesn't have that knowledge. He needs to learn it from a fuckin' scratch. All he can do is go to his paren't graves and throw some swearwords. Other than that he can only start to conciously experience things the new way, the corrected way. But he knows that it must take a lot of time. This precious last couple of moments of his youth. Youth which has not actually been youth but rather a retirement because of all this thinking and analysis he has done.

For the first time in my life I really need all that self-discipline, all that optimism and all that calm patience I presented during my sad and pitty youth.

I need that so that oly my youth is corrupted and not the rest of my life.

Noone can help me. This is where I am really alone. (But not in the dark any more).

Cost of Living.

Wanted to share with you that I just paid 250 Euros for a goddamn root canal treatment in ONE FUCKING TOOTH!


Something is wrong here.

Spring

Just want to let everyone know that today Spring arrived in Poland. It's beautiful and it's warm. Finally god damn it!

Defocus your Attention!

It is useful to have more than one thing you care about. I mean hobbies here. I am talking to people who may be a bit too focused on themselves. Symtpoms are many and various but mostly is is internal preocupation with ones states of mind and body. Usually in effect such person is a bit overanxious, bit stressed inside by analysing and quickly judging one's own conduct, (frequently leading to deficient attention).
Occupy your mind with something that you care about. Allow yourself to care about other things not only you.
You can do that. It's safe.
If you haven't realised that yet - there is nobody else you need to be afraid of but yourself anyway. You don't let go of your control over yourself because you're afraid to be hurt (in some way) by other people or things - I know. But when you think about it: what can they do to you if you don't allow them to. Truth is, only you have have that power to hurt yourself, to interpret things that happen to you in negative manners. Others are not hurting you - leave them alone. You are hurting yourself.
Get used to that thought...

Do you understand the power that you have?

Nosce te ipsum

Mostly, things are not the way they seem to be at a first glance. It's worth remembering at work and in your private life. Especially in context of conflict but also before it comes to a conflict. Insight is a trait of wise. It is a worthwile skill. Since a conflict (a day to day one, mostly) is a matter of our own judgement (we are capable of avoiding conflict by catching its early symptoms), we should begin with learning ourselves (our emotions, reactions, our reasons) as we are the ones who decide whether to engage into conflict or not. Believe that, please!

Marching on... Learning myself.

Again I am deeply puzzled by a simplicity of subjective psychological problems one may have. I have lately discovered that a lot of my stress is caused by an a priori claim that things and people should be or act in such and such way. Also that I am to "work" in a certain way. As there was some rule or law that would justify such presumption. I was sure of this so in my subjective world this has not been even a presumtion, supposition - it was an axiom...
Well, lately I understood that it is not the things or people or me that are simply supposed to be, act in some way, but it is me who wants them to act or be like this. As simple and even stupid as it might sound, this discovery is essential, subjectively crucial to my development. In the past there was a time when I was constantly being treated as guilty of not being the way someone important to me would expect me to be in an a priori manner (this person would then "work" on me to remake me to meet this person's idea of me, his projection of how I should be and who I was to be - yes, this was one of my parents). This then became a blueprint inside me. And henceforth I (in my later life) expected me, other people and things to behave the way this blueprint told me to expect (i.e. to be or act in some specific, idealised way and there is or at least should not be any other possibility. This's caused me stress when it worked differently - and mostly it worked differently). This have been causing a lot of distress and problems with my relations with things and people. I felt lost, misunderstood and that something was generally missing. I felt misfit.
Things and people (including me) have been causing me a lot of trouble because I expected them (remember that this includes me) to be (live, act, react, work, etc.) in certain idealized ways. Fucked up, I'm telling you...
At the moment I am still learning the extent of this mechanism to free myself from it completely. To judge things and people correclty. To have appropriate expectations; hence live a more psychologically hygienic life.

Forward March!

Something is moving forward. Lately I have been feeling more motivated to take action, to learn, to be open to new possibilities. A whole lot of strange things is happening to me, not all of them nice but all in all I like the change. I am beginning to trust myself a bit; to believe that there's a reason to march, to concquer life. Conquer myself. Explore.