Truth about me.

This is all bull shit. I am lying to myself. All the time lying.

Truth is I am very lonely. I miss my family. And I don't feel good at all despite all the effort I put in beliving so.

When will I say good bye to my past? Pleeeease! Somebody help me or I'll go crazy.

I think I see people around me who are happy. I see kids being born. I see people having hopes, believing in each other. Loving. Smiling.

Fuuuuck! Jesus!

What do I have to do? How much do I have to pay? Tell me. I'm pounding my head against a glass wall. I see what's behind but somehow I don't allow myself to break through; to find love; to believe in other people; to break free.

Why is it so god damn it?! I want all this but don't know how to get there.

And the worst shit is that I know it is me... That the problem is in me! I hate all my fucking past. Why?! Does it mean that I hate myself? What did I do to deserve this? Nothing, I only suffered my entire fucking life. Does it have an end? What's wrong god damn it? I'm not psychotic. I need other people as others. I want to have family. I want to love.

But why the hell I can't? Why do I feel that can't find the right person to do it. As if all right persons took a hike and hid away from me. I feel like I'm on a god damn desert. Is wanting someone extraordinary a bad thing? An impossible thing? I know it's not!

How long do I have to look for the one? I am crying inside. I am so tired. I feel I deserve to find the one. I feel I paid all my debts already if I had any. I get irresponsibly entangled in relationships which are not fulfilling to me and then I burn. But I want a family and kids so much that I keep burning. Burning on fake hope that things will be alright. That I will make it this time. But I never make it.

What is between me and the world that blocks me from seeing the way out of this misery?

Am I too sensitive? Expecting too much? Too much self preoccupied? Looking the worng ways? Passing by opportunities? Scaring people off? Am I too boring? To inquisitive? Too fucking much analysing everything? To lonesome? Too much wanting to be loved and to love?

Why is it that I find people who love me but I can't love them back? Thruth is I am not looking. But fuckin' waiting. Waiting to be found by some crazy love fairy and shown the right person. Without risk. Without effort. Why there is something inside me that tells me: hey - this is not the one. Do I have to travel around the world to find the one?

No, I am not going to acommodate. I am not going to follow the line of least resistance. No fucking way! No way! It is genetically against me. I just can't set on a compromise.

I need someone who'd impress me. Someone whom I'd respect. Someone unique. Someone being special to me. Someone interesting. Someone as strong as I am in pursuing and knowing and feeling.

Thing is (very cruel thing) that when I find that someone, she may think of me along the lines that I wrote above. This she may not notice me, may not be interested in me because of the same reasons I don't see others... Because "the-one-she" may not see me as interesting enough, respectworthy enough, unique enough and special enough.

If this would happen, I don't know what I can do to myself. Really. Because this would be a complete breakdown for me. A complete collapse of my beliefs. A denial of my entire life's education.

A bigger part of me still wants to fight, lives on a hope. But there is a small part growing each time my relationships don't work. This part is scared that all this is bullshit. That I am full of it. That al that I thought of during my entire life is bull shit. Wothless. Alien. Irrelevant.

Al I can do is believe that what I want is simply very rare and hence difficult to find. But that it is somewhere. Only question being: is this woman even coexistent. She may be there but in a different time... She might've lived a hundred years ago or not be even born yet. (I'm getting romantic here).

I want to be freed from this? Please! Someone!