Infrastructure Shit

I am living alone again. I couldn't make it with my girlfriend. It is not happening for the first time in my life. But now it is much different, because I'm beginning to see which part of me has problems with partners and why. I am working on this right now. It'll take some time though. It is not easy to correct oneself. Especially where the true motives were hidden for the majority of ones life.

So, alone again means infrastructure again. House cleaning, dusting, washing dishes three times a day, chasing each lone tea spoon around my little apartment so that the mess hasn't got a chance to start. Laundering twice a week. Keeping shirts apart to wash them without tumbling cause you with your iron don't have a chance if you don't. Care about your iron people. This a part of your infrastructure. Very important one. Iron, Bath, WC, sinks, vacuum cleaners, TV, PC, lamps, friges. Break one of these and you're doomed man. The self-sustainability suddenly disappears. Suddenly you have to get out and search for a spare part or someone to fix it. Suddenly you are vulnerable.

And that’s not all. You need to make your shopping. Do your meals and not die in the process….

You need to be ALONE in your flat. And BE there. And NOT CRY. And be LOOKING DEEP INSIDE you every time your eyes start watering to look for answers. And you NEED TO FIGHT to live. You need to ASK YOURSELF QUESTIONS all the fucking time. You need to BE STRONG when there is NOWHERE TO TAKE THE STRENGTH FROM. You need to BE AN ADULT not to kill yourself.

….. i need to let go of her... The one that wasn’t there when and where she should be. The one that was supposed to love me but didn’t show it. The one that was closed in herself and so much not there…