Why are we so powerless and helpless with ourselves? It seems sometimes as if we were like dogs chasing its own tail. Wanting constantly to be yet better, to fix some things within us, to deal with issues which we think we are capable of fixing, dealing with, solving. Yet most of the time seems to be passing on identifying them and living the change while after some time, it seems from a perspective that we did not fix the thing we wanted to after all but fixed accidentally completely different one and actually profitted on it much more than we would on the original task. We do get better, we see the change and to the better but the process itself is very hard. Very tiring, exhausting and time consuming.

Why am I so helpless with wanting to change things within me. I am not a deviant, not a criminal, don't want to rape anybody, kill anybody, steal from anybody or anything. I am a physically and mentally healthy person, having a regular relationship, physically active in all aspects, having a job I like, having great friends, knowing interesting people, going to movies, theather, going to vacations like everyone else. It is just this god damn childhood which seems to make the whole problem.

Why the fuck a period of one's life which has ended ages ago has such a power that it sort of even manipulates your everyday life? I wasn't raped, sexually molested, beaten, cursed at. Went to school, had friends and relationships, went out to play, had some nice holidays, had a loving family. There were two, minor one could say factors: my parents were divorced very early and my mother had a depression (bipolar disorder) which ended up with her suicide later.

A disturbed relationship with my mother. OK, but why this has to be so substantial and weighty in tis consequences. It feels unfair.