It is cool

It is cool. It's so god damn cool that I can't believe it. Everything seems to be in place. Everything. Is it possible that it stays so? Could someone tell me that, please? Is it wise to count on it? Will I analyze it to pieces soon? I'm certain I will. After all I constantly define myself by analyzing the external reality. Yes, external reality but using my internal perspective. Well, anyway, there is no such thing as perfect objectivity. No human is capable of that. One must simply perceive the external using at least the perspective of his experience. So.... The abnormality which is subjectively my normality still lets me see that obectively I'm fucked up good... Sooo.... Can a fuck up say he is not fucked up. And if a not-a-fuck-up tells the fuck-up he is fucked up, what shoud the fuck-up do? I guess ask himself if the supposedly-not-a-fuck-up is not fuced-up after all in some way, huh? It's late...

Morning Thought (a tramway thought)

I think I'm gonna think my life through. At least 3/4 of my problems might be caused by too much thinking and analyzing the present, the past and extrapolating conclusions into the future. I am most afraid of such conclusion one day that it is really too much thinking and meta-thinking itself what is actually causing the very problems I'm thinking about. Messed up? Yes it is.

Day on Acid

Wake up. Wash. Eat just to eat. Walk out. Tramway anaesthesia. Get out. Cigarette. Walk in. Show your ID. Lift to 12th floor. Hi... hi... Turn on your computer. Coffee. Strange people everywhere. Sit like a dog. Read mail. Get nauseous. Write e-mails to dozens of people. Make too many things at once. Expect the unexpected. Think about and foresee every problem. Nobody will do that for you. And don't you dare to be sensitive. When you loose control over your anger you can thrash the day. Everything will make you feel vulnerable and unsecure. You won't be able to preceive normally for the next 12 hours. Anger inside is like an acid. Drives you crazy and you strive to control it with these bits and pieces you got left of the real you. That you that you got used to.

Publicity...

Returning to the question of my sudden outburst of a need for inside/out exhibitionism I came to conclusion that I might be simply starting to believe in myself and thinking that I might be not that bad of a person after all...

Dissapointed with positioning

I'm disappointed with that my blog(s) cannot be found through Google (and probably other search engines though I haven't checked). I hoped that people could have reached my blogs and my minimalistic web page I started recently but they can't. I even changed the headers of my blogspot blog and my googlepage but it does not help. When I type my name nothing shows. I'm disappointed. Greatly. My blogs go into space. I understand that positioning of web pages is somewhat difficult and usually cannot be done properly by amateurs or hobbyists, but hey, this is going too far!

Changes.

Shit I am going in deep into Google. I am adding more and more functions and all of them seem to be very useful. That is useful for people who use multiple computers simultaneously. I hope that finally I can forget to worry about changing or crashing computers or changing jobs. This is cool and like it. Blogging is also exemplary to some changes that I see in me lately. They're all positive. Maybe it is all just a matter of the coming summer or the love I got. But fuck people: I am starting to care less and less. Analysing my hapiness always spoiled everything 'cause I'd always find something to be wary about. Always. This is sick. And sometimes I felt a bit sick. But now - God - now I feel sick because I suddenly see all this. It's like too much information at once. I can't even think of how important these observations are to me.

Fighting the time

Busy week... Meetings, dinners, doctors. Everything lately has a sense of urgency to it. Time is passing fast. I'm spending too much too fast as usually. I am happy though. Wheather outside is better and better every day. Summer is close. I am organizing for me and my girl some cool 5 day trip to Kazimierz Dolny near Warsaw for a long weekend in May. It's a picturesque place. Lots of nature, old buildings, the river, relics, great food. Ocean of calm anotherwords. I have organized few excursions for us. I hope we will have some quiality time together.

To Do.

I just need to start doing things. Things I care about. Not those things that you do just like that. Someone appeared in my life last year... I care about her. Caring makes me feel alive. I will learn from this...

A Friend

I just lately found my old very close friend from USA thanks to the Internet. I'm very happy about it and he is too. He is my brother soul. So much has changed in his and my lives over the last 12 years we haven't heard from each other. That's amazing....

The first

Why after all these years safely away from any form of publicity do I suddenly start a blog somewhere? Why have I published my personal and professional information in few places lately? I never had a need to socialize. What's changed?
I think I understood finally that I was loosing something. Some vague tissue of life.
I want to explicitly express my humanistic approach to life. I want to be more me in some way.