The Important Meaning of Insignificance.

There is not many objectively important things in my life (outside)... I dwell inside. Inside myself. Outside is.... I do not know how to organize my outside... My outside (the world around me) seems to be filled with horrible insignificance. Most of all meaningless people. Meak people. People who just exist. The people are afraid or too narrow minded to assing meanings to events in their lives.

I feel very alone in this because of the fact that I am very sensitive and to some extent shy.

I did got trapped too. Overwhelming feeling of my self being misfit pushed me to fall in the trap of neglecting everything I've been tough at home. I've lost myself to an aggressive negation of all the information I received from my family. Hence, to an aggressive fight with my identity. This lasted I don't know exactly when from. Enough to say is that I noticed it today. The feeling of conflict followed me around for some time.

Now I sit in front of my computer. Calm. Dirty. My apartment sinking in dust and cigarette smoke. I smell with cheap cologne. I don't have any fancy clothes. I should buy new shoes. I don't care about these things. I don't care much about my egoisitic self now. I feel free. I finally feel...

It's a beautiful day. The sun is shining. I am listening to Herbert's Scale and everything seems to be in place. Drum and Bass is not what it used to be for me any more. I feel.

For so long I've been looking for a meaning outside of myself. Lately I've been starting to comprehend that the meaning is in me after all.

The history circled a loop. The renaissance of self is here. Of new self. More concious self. The self not relating. Truly individual, free self. There is nothing else.

There is only the meaning that the self assigns. Not to the entire extent yet of course as this is I suppose an unattainable idealistic goal. But I made a step forward.

There is only me. Not in an egoistic, entangled way. But me responsible. Me consequent. Me aware of true self. Me aware of the true needs of self. True values and true goals.

The insignificance is no longer mine. It is outside. Even if it is only me that I am significant to. That's the point. There is nothng strange in this fact. I am human. I am not the Sun.The Sun is there. It is outside. It is insignificant.

Significance of my life... MY LIFE! It is all there is. No one except me wil reinforce it. No one but me will give me courage.

Nothing that is separate from me will bring my dreams to existence. The significance is in me. I am the source of my happiness. Significance is subjective.

I give the significance. Everything else is insignificant.

2009

I will make this year better.

I will be honest with myself. I will not bend the reality.

I will be brave but rational.

I will be responsible.

I will be consistent.

I will not stop looking.

I will treat myself seriously.

I will not escape.

Spanish

Today I started learning Spanish. I'm so happy I made this first step.

I am learning from podcasts. For now it's enough.

Later if things develop with the Spanish Alternative I will add something.

The 'I'.

There is only I in my world...

the I exists on a huge, windy desert. Guarding its territory.
Surrounded by meticulously laid mine fields. Cruel traps filled with shrapnel.
With a jagged flag stuck in the middle of my camp.
I sit there with my guns and look around with suspicion and hostility.
I will kill every intruder.
I defend... I forgot what...

I am like the Mad Max...

There is only this distant horizon dancing with shadows. Shadows of other people.


I have imprisoned myself.

The Me imprisoned by the Self.

A man imprisoned by a child.

A man afraid to feel.

A man without a parent.

A man with the gun.

A man hunting for himself.

Constant Opposition

I am in constant collision with the outside world.

I am like a continent and other people and phenomena are also continents. My life is a constant, heating collision. The magma moves around. Pushes and stretches. These clashes abrade my soul. This abrasion constantly shapes my inside into new forms. There is no end. I travel as magma. Up, down and sideway currents. Different parts - different emotional temperatures in different cycles. Nothing is constant. Repeating convections bring an LSD-like experience. I can't anchor anywhere. Same things are contnously different and new. I do not know anything. I never return home. It is always some other place. I long for what's known and constant.


But then.... I am afraid of constant. Constant is but easy. Constant is safe and I yet don't want safe. I WANT to travel. I WANT to discover. I WANT to redefine. Because I LIVE this way. I WANT to SCRATCH MY WOUNDS. I WANT TO BLEED...

Because this is how I lived my entire life... I don't know anything else.

I am a wounded predator. Running away and chasing at the same time.

All this bullshit is only subjective. Nothing of this is outside.

This is critical.

I'm in a loop.

I am not here...

I am not here....

I exist only between the lines I write. I am drops of ink that bind with paper. I want to stay there and ship myself to Spain.

I just want to realize what I wanted since the beginning... It is so close I hope...

God! If you are there! Let my quest come to an end.

Guide me to do the right things you motherfucker. Help me for once. I deserve it. I deserve to be unconditionally happy. I am ready to give myself in. I am ready to sacrifice.

Let me have what I think I've found. Let me finally breathe with a full chest. Give me peace. Give me the one.

Then leave me alone...

Spanish Alternative.

On Dec 1oth a Spanish alternative appeared. Unexpected. Without a warning. Came crushing my inside. Cought me completely off guard.

I want this alternative to work as I am in tune with it. So much in tune I've never been before.

If the Alternative works I would have to learn a lot of new things. But then I am sure I would be given a lot in exchange.

I hope this to be it. I hope to go along, to feel the drift.

I hope 2009 will bring the choice and if right - a lot of good change to my life. Surely, a lot of movement.