Spanish

Today I started learning Spanish. I'm so happy I made this first step.

I am learning from podcasts. For now it's enough.

Later if things develop with the Spanish Alternative I will add something.

The 'I'.

There is only I in my world...

the I exists on a huge, windy desert. Guarding its territory.
Surrounded by meticulously laid mine fields. Cruel traps filled with shrapnel.
With a jagged flag stuck in the middle of my camp.
I sit there with my guns and look around with suspicion and hostility.
I will kill every intruder.
I defend... I forgot what...

I am like the Mad Max...

There is only this distant horizon dancing with shadows. Shadows of other people.


I have imprisoned myself.

The Me imprisoned by the Self.

A man imprisoned by a child.

A man afraid to feel.

A man without a parent.

A man with the gun.

A man hunting for himself.

Constant Opposition

I am in constant collision with the outside world.

I am like a continent and other people and phenomena are also continents. My life is a constant, heating collision. The magma moves around. Pushes and stretches. These clashes abrade my soul. This abrasion constantly shapes my inside into new forms. There is no end. I travel as magma. Up, down and sideway currents. Different parts - different emotional temperatures in different cycles. Nothing is constant. Repeating convections bring an LSD-like experience. I can't anchor anywhere. Same things are contnously different and new. I do not know anything. I never return home. It is always some other place. I long for what's known and constant.


But then.... I am afraid of constant. Constant is but easy. Constant is safe and I yet don't want safe. I WANT to travel. I WANT to discover. I WANT to redefine. Because I LIVE this way. I WANT to SCRATCH MY WOUNDS. I WANT TO BLEED...

Because this is how I lived my entire life... I don't know anything else.

I am a wounded predator. Running away and chasing at the same time.

All this bullshit is only subjective. Nothing of this is outside.

This is critical.

I'm in a loop.

I am not here...

I am not here....

I exist only between the lines I write. I am drops of ink that bind with paper. I want to stay there and ship myself to Spain.

I just want to realize what I wanted since the beginning... It is so close I hope...

God! If you are there! Let my quest come to an end.

Guide me to do the right things you motherfucker. Help me for once. I deserve it. I deserve to be unconditionally happy. I am ready to give myself in. I am ready to sacrifice.

Let me have what I think I've found. Let me finally breathe with a full chest. Give me peace. Give me the one.

Then leave me alone...

Spanish Alternative.

On Dec 1oth a Spanish alternative appeared. Unexpected. Without a warning. Came crushing my inside. Cought me completely off guard.

I want this alternative to work as I am in tune with it. So much in tune I've never been before.

If the Alternative works I would have to learn a lot of new things. But then I am sure I would be given a lot in exchange.

I hope this to be it. I hope to go along, to feel the drift.

I hope 2009 will bring the choice and if right - a lot of good change to my life. Surely, a lot of movement.

Truth about me.

This is all bull shit. I am lying to myself. All the time lying.

Truth is I am very lonely. I miss my family. And I don't feel good at all despite all the effort I put in beliving so.

When will I say good bye to my past? Pleeeease! Somebody help me or I'll go crazy.

I think I see people around me who are happy. I see kids being born. I see people having hopes, believing in each other. Loving. Smiling.

Fuuuuck! Jesus!

What do I have to do? How much do I have to pay? Tell me. I'm pounding my head against a glass wall. I see what's behind but somehow I don't allow myself to break through; to find love; to believe in other people; to break free.

Why is it so god damn it?! I want all this but don't know how to get there.

And the worst shit is that I know it is me... That the problem is in me! I hate all my fucking past. Why?! Does it mean that I hate myself? What did I do to deserve this? Nothing, I only suffered my entire fucking life. Does it have an end? What's wrong god damn it? I'm not psychotic. I need other people as others. I want to have family. I want to love.

But why the hell I can't? Why do I feel that can't find the right person to do it. As if all right persons took a hike and hid away from me. I feel like I'm on a god damn desert. Is wanting someone extraordinary a bad thing? An impossible thing? I know it's not!

How long do I have to look for the one? I am crying inside. I am so tired. I feel I deserve to find the one. I feel I paid all my debts already if I had any. I get irresponsibly entangled in relationships which are not fulfilling to me and then I burn. But I want a family and kids so much that I keep burning. Burning on fake hope that things will be alright. That I will make it this time. But I never make it.

What is between me and the world that blocks me from seeing the way out of this misery?

Am I too sensitive? Expecting too much? Too much self preoccupied? Looking the worng ways? Passing by opportunities? Scaring people off? Am I too boring? To inquisitive? Too fucking much analysing everything? To lonesome? Too much wanting to be loved and to love?

Why is it that I find people who love me but I can't love them back? Thruth is I am not looking. But fuckin' waiting. Waiting to be found by some crazy love fairy and shown the right person. Without risk. Without effort. Why there is something inside me that tells me: hey - this is not the one. Do I have to travel around the world to find the one?

No, I am not going to acommodate. I am not going to follow the line of least resistance. No fucking way! No way! It is genetically against me. I just can't set on a compromise.

I need someone who'd impress me. Someone whom I'd respect. Someone unique. Someone being special to me. Someone interesting. Someone as strong as I am in pursuing and knowing and feeling.

Thing is (very cruel thing) that when I find that someone, she may think of me along the lines that I wrote above. This she may not notice me, may not be interested in me because of the same reasons I don't see others... Because "the-one-she" may not see me as interesting enough, respectworthy enough, unique enough and special enough.

If this would happen, I don't know what I can do to myself. Really. Because this would be a complete breakdown for me. A complete collapse of my beliefs. A denial of my entire life's education.

A bigger part of me still wants to fight, lives on a hope. But there is a small part growing each time my relationships don't work. This part is scared that all this is bullshit. That I am full of it. That al that I thought of during my entire life is bull shit. Wothless. Alien. Irrelevant.

Al I can do is believe that what I want is simply very rare and hence difficult to find. But that it is somewhere. Only question being: is this woman even coexistent. She may be there but in a different time... She might've lived a hundred years ago or not be even born yet. (I'm getting romantic here).

I want to be freed from this? Please! Someone!

The Only Direction

Tonight I watched a stupid movie about love. A stupid, simplistic, Hollywood movie about love...

And I cried...

I cried because love is so difficult to find. Mutual love. Love felt by two people to each other at the same time. It is such an effort to find true love.

It is such an effort to find balance in life.

But on the other hand there is only one direction. To find happiness. There is none else. Whatever the circumstances, the only way is forward, towards the better. So what else is there in life than to pursue it?

There is no time in life to fear defeat. There is no time to be said, to think about the past, the things you could've done or could've done better. No time to think about what you've lost and what coul've had but've had not.

There is only one direction.

Put an effort into it. You have nothing to loose.

Oil... Helo!

By the way, what do you think about the current crude oil price - it's dropped to 43 a barrel.

I'm sorry but I'm getting scared shitless here.

Do you want to move to Mars with me?

My Mother.

I've discovered the big truth about me and my Mother and I want you all to know it.


I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT HER!


My life will start changing now.

I will start choosing everything that has to do with everything but her.

Now enjoy with me...