A clue to my sorrow

My sorrow is about this: nobody tought me how to be happy and how to be sad. How to enjoy the times of succes and times of defeat. That is it.

Back to the Business

Hi. I just returned from Syberia. Yes, that's right - from Syberia. A three week long journey across Asia to Ulan-Ude and back. One way by train, the other by plane.

I wanted to take a break from everything, and I did. I did so much of this taking a break that I got tired andwanted badly to come back home. Simply put it turned out that I became an urban animal. I missed the shower (in Russian countryside you have these little bath houses) , tv, cinema, McDonald's (sic!) and few square meters of my own.

All in all I got exhausted by this trip. And I see it is good :). It did realx me from my temporality. Actually inspite of discomforts of journeying like this (it was a low cost, tramping) I became convinced of their strong educative character. It is not necessarily only about a place where you are currently travelling but also, or even mostly about the people you travel with or meet along the way. You learn from them, and not so much from the places you visit.

Well, I came back to a new job; Went back to work; Back to a regular life. If you could only see the photos I made during my trip. Maan. Anyway...

- No, I am not sad. Sadness does want to get me though. I can fell her. But I won't let her. She owes me a break at least.

A clue.

Taking notes, recording a diary, videotaping a diary, blogging... These self-remedy tools may be effective to some extent...

Talk to people. Especially those important ones.

This is where you will see a mirror of you. In them. Not in some recordings, videos, paper scraps or blogs of yours.

Reality Bias

I have been raised by people who had a twisted view of reality. I have been twisted too.
I have been taught mainly to watch out for people. People who would mostly want to take some advantage of me, of people who would be afraid of me because I was supposed to be better than them and they were supposed to know that somehow (sic!), etc., etc.
What I wasn't taught is how to be happy, how to pursue my dreams, that I am allowed to be happy and that actually, achieving happiness should be one of man's main objectives. I wasn't taught to work hard. I wasn't taught that every challenge, every goal I have requires sacrifices.
I was taught that normality (regularity) the ideal, the perfection, is the ultimate goal itself. I was encouraged to look for perfect people, I was taught that other than perfect is no good.

That's why I am actually constantly fighting with myself, other people, my close ones. Constantly live in some virtual, self created view of reality. Twisted... Tragic... Fuck... This is one of the reasons why other people struggle to understand me. Those who struggle have at least good intentions, 'cause most of others won't have time to struggle to know me, to meet me some half way...

I don't want that anymore. I feel ashame now that I understood it. I feel I've caused pain to many people in my life, not even realising it. I want to be better man. To be strong. Strong for others. Don't want to be constrained by my virtual, twisted, unreal, unnecessary needs.

But the really sad thing is that I can't just stop thinking this way because this way of thinking is all I know... Can you fuckin' comprehend the fuckness of this situation???!!! One knows that he is greatly unhappy, that he could be simply happy about self, about his life, be stronger, more of a bedrock by changing something in his thinking. He even knows what exactly should be changed. But he doesn't know what to change it with. He doesn't have that knowledge. He needs to learn it from a fuckin' scratch. All he can do is go to his paren't graves and throw some swearwords. Other than that he can only start to conciously experience things the new way, the corrected way. But he knows that it must take a lot of time. This precious last couple of moments of his youth. Youth which has not actually been youth but rather a retirement because of all this thinking and analysis he has done.

For the first time in my life I really need all that self-discipline, all that optimism and all that calm patience I presented during my sad and pitty youth.

I need that so that oly my youth is corrupted and not the rest of my life.

Noone can help me. This is where I am really alone. (But not in the dark any more).

Cost of Living.

Wanted to share with you that I just paid 250 Euros for a goddamn root canal treatment in ONE FUCKING TOOTH!


Something is wrong here.

Spring

Just want to let everyone know that today Spring arrived in Poland. It's beautiful and it's warm. Finally god damn it!

Defocus your Attention!

It is useful to have more than one thing you care about. I mean hobbies here. I am talking to people who may be a bit too focused on themselves. Symtpoms are many and various but mostly is is internal preocupation with ones states of mind and body. Usually in effect such person is a bit overanxious, bit stressed inside by analysing and quickly judging one's own conduct, (frequently leading to deficient attention).
Occupy your mind with something that you care about. Allow yourself to care about other things not only you.
You can do that. It's safe.
If you haven't realised that yet - there is nobody else you need to be afraid of but yourself anyway. You don't let go of your control over yourself because you're afraid to be hurt (in some way) by other people or things - I know. But when you think about it: what can they do to you if you don't allow them to. Truth is, only you have have that power to hurt yourself, to interpret things that happen to you in negative manners. Others are not hurting you - leave them alone. You are hurting yourself.
Get used to that thought...

Do you understand the power that you have?