Crude Oil Price

Considering what is happening lately to the prices of crude oil I am feeling compelled to place a tracking gadget on this blog so the ones that are interested can track it from here. Its price fell another US$10 last couple of days. That's fast. And if you consider that it was US$150 just couple of months ago it is stunning.

Infrastructure Shit

I am living alone again. I couldn't make it with my girlfriend. It is not happening for the first time in my life. But now it is much different, because I'm beginning to see which part of me has problems with partners and why. I am working on this right now. It'll take some time though. It is not easy to correct oneself. Especially where the true motives were hidden for the majority of ones life.

So, alone again means infrastructure again. House cleaning, dusting, washing dishes three times a day, chasing each lone tea spoon around my little apartment so that the mess hasn't got a chance to start. Laundering twice a week. Keeping shirts apart to wash them without tumbling cause you with your iron don't have a chance if you don't. Care about your iron people. This a part of your infrastructure. Very important one. Iron, Bath, WC, sinks, vacuum cleaners, TV, PC, lamps, friges. Break one of these and you're doomed man. The self-sustainability suddenly disappears. Suddenly you have to get out and search for a spare part or someone to fix it. Suddenly you are vulnerable.

And that’s not all. You need to make your shopping. Do your meals and not die in the process….

You need to be ALONE in your flat. And BE there. And NOT CRY. And be LOOKING DEEP INSIDE you every time your eyes start watering to look for answers. And you NEED TO FIGHT to live. You need to ASK YOURSELF QUESTIONS all the fucking time. You need to BE STRONG when there is NOWHERE TO TAKE THE STRENGTH FROM. You need to BE AN ADULT not to kill yourself.

….. i need to let go of her... The one that wasn’t there when and where she should be. The one that was supposed to love me but didn’t show it. The one that was closed in herself and so much not there…

Commandments - Attempt 01

I am so tired of myself lately that I devised a little catalog in order to manipulate myself to become a better me. A me better (by better I mean more realistically) knowing myself, better judging other people, situations and finally to better judge me.

Here it is. It will surely evolve - hence the "Attempt 01" in the title.

1. Learn to ignore yourself when what you feel about yourself turns you down. See if what you feel is a real fact (you could give real arguments for it in a conversation with someone) or is it just something that you feel.
2. Learn to be a mentor to yourself. Fathers and Mothers are not always the best ones. If feelings of low self esteem, little respect to oneself, sadness, disbelief, skepticism, pessimism, etc. dominate your life - your parents/family did not do a good job. See if the bad things that you feel about yourself are really your opinions. I bet that most of the time they're not. They come from someone else in your past.
3. See the good in you. It is not easy but allow it and give it some time.
4. When you fear do ask yourself what is it that you fear. Is it really the thing that you think you are afraid of?
5. Don't let the time just pass. Give it some meaning. Any. Do things.
6. Make plans (start with small, short term) and stick to them.
7. Do not run away from your dreams. You can get there if you wish.
8. Don't think about your dreams all the time. Think of a way to achieve them.
9. Do not let the things or situations turn you down. You control them (especially things). You assign meanings to things and situations and not the other way around.
10. See that people and situations cause you to manipulate yourself into various emotional and intellectual states. All is cool as long as these states are objectively correct (I know it is difficult to discern). But if you see that they're not remember: It is not them (people, situations) who manipulate you but it is you who manipulate yourself to feel something or some way. You can assign different meaning. Draw different conclusions.

....I just read it again. Jesus it sound stupid. I had to let it out though...

Syberia - reflections

One reflection for those who e-mail me from time to time...

I am going through my pictures I took when traveling to Siberia back just two months ago. As usually it seems that now I like the trip more then I did during the actual travel. It is always funny to feel this difference (it's not the first time I see it happenning).

I think the thing is that when you are travelling on a long trip you are simply so tired that at the time you're there you're just to tired to fully engage yourself (emotionally) into the places that you are at/travel through. I remeber that we even had some free time, so I/we could feel the places, especially Irkutsk, Bolschoye Goloustnoje, and the Olkhon Island.

There is so much energy and fantasy just emanating from all those pictures. Yet I still remeber clearly taking many of them just to take them, to make that stamp in time, to take that footprint back with me. I remember then also that I was just very tired of the travel, low standard acommodations we had, the heat, etc. I guess its normal... There are even some pictures that bring back emotions of exhaustion and anger just by looking at them though beautiful themselves. . I guess this is what I was feeling when taking them.

Or maybe it is the rush of travel? After all the best place I got "engaged" into was the god damn train I spent three days and four nights in. In other places we spent max the same and with many sightseeing and local travel...

What do you think? Do you feel the same way too when looking at the pictures from your exotic travel? Share it with me. I am always interested in what's the point of view of my readers.

The Child I am.

I am nothing but a child. I fear challenges because I may not make it. I fear defeat.

I show a face of child to other people. I feel as I was a child when with other people.

I am a child who is very lonely.

I try to fill the emptyness with things, short term hobbies and relationships but it doesn't work.

I was always alone.

This is what was always there for me but I din't see it.

...Lonelyness.

It kills me...

Slowly...

The "people-self".

I like to be alone.

When I am alone I feel strong and confident as to who I am and what I want. I am ok with this self.

When I'm with people, everything bounces off of them and mirrors back to me. I see my other self that I don't like. That's why I like to be alone.

A clue to my sorrow

My sorrow is about this: nobody tought me how to be happy and how to be sad. How to enjoy the times of succes and times of defeat. That is it.