Possible Eureka.

It may well be that I simply have not been taught that nothing that has high quality comes to you by itself.

As simple and trivial as this may sound I am beginning to understand that nobody has really told me that.

It may well be that I am constantly uneasy and stressed because I have never really thought about what I really want in life. It has driven me to make many more and less serious mistakes. Mistakes in decisionmaking. Mistakes in commitments to things and people.

I think I have never really and conciously been commited to myself. To some concrete goals of mine. There was always only this childish dissapointment with things and people. Childish expectations that things should themselves become alright for me in some way. This is tragic in a way.

Now I am with this conclusion. It is difficult, even after understanding that to begin something new. Because I have to learn how to live with this new knowledge that everythign has a price tag attached.

For now, the only strategy that comes to my mind intuitively is to become more picky. More choosy in what I do, what people I hang out with, which hobbies I commit myself to, where to work, etc.

Wow! So I wasn't really an egoist all this time (I strongly believed I was). Wow! I guess I just was a child. An adolescent. Immature. Wow!

But this is releaving. I guess this is what I was afraid all this time. This is the truth that I was trying to shake all this time. Funny, 'cause I completely don't understand what happened now that I suddenly see it. But I don't really care - I won't analyse it again. I doesn't matter.

I could as well stop writing this blog...

Funny... I think this discovery may be a onsequence of another thought I had last night about how I approach people and how I see, think of and feel them.
I understood that the only thing I search in other people is me. Wow! I saw yesterday that I completely ignore who these people are. What THEY do; what are THEIR intrests; what books THEY read; what is THEIR history; what do THEY usually do in their life; how THEY dress; what's THEIR body language. I was only interested in discovering whether a connection exists between me and them. As a result the only people which wanted to kind of be with me or be around me where people who were either freaked out enough to be similar to me or weak people who neede me to feel stronger or people whom I have strongly impressed for some reason. God damn!

This is crazy to suddenly see all this. To realize this all at once.

This is a lot... But it is a revelation.

Contradiction

Yes... I do have a lot. I did accomplish a lot. I do see it now.

I suddenly saw that the thing I am really afraid of is the plain fact that there is not much more that I can have. Yes. The whole thing is contrary to what I thought.

The whole point is to start taking from what I have accumulated through the years. Start to take advantage of that. And not wait to accumulate more. Not wait for anything else. All else that there is or might be is for me to build on what I have accumulated until now. Build on the base that I've created.

When I realised this yesterday at night my inner interlocutor just dropped silent. He had nothing more to say.

This is the first sign of significant change. The schemes will return to haunt me I know. But with less and less power. I can feel that.

A Wise Friend

I just had a meeting with my friend... He said I need to relax.

Relax...

He said I don't have reasons to be stressed. That I need to see what I have. And he managed to show me that I do have a lot. Take it easy - he said. Enjoy your freedom. Enjoy your life.

It is true that I fight. I fight constantly. I am stressed. I want to see the "I" around me. Why is that? What's been missing in my life?

Why can't I see what I have accomplished and be plainly happy about it? Is there anything particular that I want more of? In particular..? I don't see anything particular that I am missing.

Why do I get angry at the commercials in tv? Why do I get angry at the software or computer when it's not working properly? Why do I get angry at processes at work? Why do I take it all kind of personally? What is missing?

Why do I hammer into people with myself? Why do I try to make them believe what I believe? Why do I feel rejected and battered when they don't?

Why confrontation is the only way I know with people?! Why do I have to "shout out" myself?

Why? It makes me feel unsuccessful after all? Makes me dissatisfied with myself. What is it that I want to achieve?

I fight ever since I can remember. I have been fighting since very early in my life. What was I fighting for? Have I been fighting for attention? For acceptance? Did I have to fight to be loved? I might have...

I need to recostruct something. First though I need to discover what it is that I fight for. What is a cause so importnant to me subconciously that it needs constant defense? Constant struggle for?

I am beginning to see that I convulse around inside a quicksand of some conflict. A conflict that eats me. It is there and I cannot oust it with my mere intellect. I must be not seeing something. It is probably much deeper. Deeper under some neatly built net of rationalization.

How God damn perverse it is... There is two me. One is looking ahead. Looking with beliefs, hope, wisdom and wanting to shape the world around.
And there is this other me. Me of the past and me of the present. This me is bad. It is lost. Struggling. It is an ever-adapting and constantly adjusting me. A me that wants something but doesn't get it. A me looking to express what it wants but not knowing how. This me itself doesn't know what it is looking for.

Oh, I'm tired. Sooo tired...

I am normal. But then I am not.

The Important Meaning of Insignificance.

There is not many objectively important things in my life (outside)... I dwell inside. Inside myself. Outside is.... I do not know how to organize my outside... My outside (the world around me) seems to be filled with horrible insignificance. Most of all meaningless people. Meak people. People who just exist. The people are afraid or too narrow minded to assing meanings to events in their lives.

I feel very alone in this because of the fact that I am very sensitive and to some extent shy.

I did got trapped too. Overwhelming feeling of my self being misfit pushed me to fall in the trap of neglecting everything I've been tough at home. I've lost myself to an aggressive negation of all the information I received from my family. Hence, to an aggressive fight with my identity. This lasted I don't know exactly when from. Enough to say is that I noticed it today. The feeling of conflict followed me around for some time.

Now I sit in front of my computer. Calm. Dirty. My apartment sinking in dust and cigarette smoke. I smell with cheap cologne. I don't have any fancy clothes. I should buy new shoes. I don't care about these things. I don't care much about my egoisitic self now. I feel free. I finally feel...

It's a beautiful day. The sun is shining. I am listening to Herbert's Scale and everything seems to be in place. Drum and Bass is not what it used to be for me any more. I feel.

For so long I've been looking for a meaning outside of myself. Lately I've been starting to comprehend that the meaning is in me after all.

The history circled a loop. The renaissance of self is here. Of new self. More concious self. The self not relating. Truly individual, free self. There is nothing else.

There is only the meaning that the self assigns. Not to the entire extent yet of course as this is I suppose an unattainable idealistic goal. But I made a step forward.

There is only me. Not in an egoistic, entangled way. But me responsible. Me consequent. Me aware of true self. Me aware of the true needs of self. True values and true goals.

The insignificance is no longer mine. It is outside. Even if it is only me that I am significant to. That's the point. There is nothng strange in this fact. I am human. I am not the Sun.The Sun is there. It is outside. It is insignificant.

Significance of my life... MY LIFE! It is all there is. No one except me wil reinforce it. No one but me will give me courage.

Nothing that is separate from me will bring my dreams to existence. The significance is in me. I am the source of my happiness. Significance is subjective.

I give the significance. Everything else is insignificant.

2009

I will make this year better.

I will be honest with myself. I will not bend the reality.

I will be brave but rational.

I will be responsible.

I will be consistent.

I will not stop looking.

I will treat myself seriously.

I will not escape.

Spanish

Today I started learning Spanish. I'm so happy I made this first step.

I am learning from podcasts. For now it's enough.

Later if things develop with the Spanish Alternative I will add something.

The 'I'.

There is only I in my world...

the I exists on a huge, windy desert. Guarding its territory.
Surrounded by meticulously laid mine fields. Cruel traps filled with shrapnel.
With a jagged flag stuck in the middle of my camp.
I sit there with my guns and look around with suspicion and hostility.
I will kill every intruder.
I defend... I forgot what...

I am like the Mad Max...

There is only this distant horizon dancing with shadows. Shadows of other people.


I have imprisoned myself.

The Me imprisoned by the Self.

A man imprisoned by a child.

A man afraid to feel.

A man without a parent.

A man with the gun.

A man hunting for himself.