You in it all

IF you have some trouble with relating yourself to the people and/or have self-esteem problem go back to your home, parents and close ones. See what what they had been telling you about you. See exactly what feedback you had been receiving from them. There lie the answers.

Anger

If you see agression deep inside you, look a layer deeper: this anguish is fueled by bitterness. 

Acceptance

Man! I am still not able to accept myself. Regular person will say: "Jesus , so what! Get a grip a get on with your life!". But I agree! That's what I want to do. But I still don't know how! Damn it... Everyday is ok but there is always an undertone of unrest in everything I do or think. It just doesn't allow me to plainly be, to simply enjoy or "just" be afraid or "just" feel anything else there is to feel. There is always this undertone of uncertainty, wicked anxiety. Always questions. I feel I can't ever "just" do anything. Usually it is ok; I have a normal life and everything but the undertone won't let me clearly see what I want and what I don't want. Wanting something or not wanting something is never sure, never tangible. There are times when I feel everything I do is just a filler, a substitute... and that the only reality is emptiness, and that the time is within this emptiness and hence that my existence is to be and to pass within this emptiness. Heck... Must work it over. Yeah.... always working something over. One thing at a time...

Childhood

There comes a moment in life when one has to go back to his childhood and look for what's right, what's close to him, what is truly his, what is truly him.

... I even think there's more than one of such moments in life.

Me, on the contrary - I need to take what's best of my childhood and bring it to my present and my future. Then say good bye to the childhood. The roots will stay - they need to, but general setting will go.

Sun + Music

A sunny day and some good drum and bass is all I need for happiness.


Actually it would be probably a bit more than that but the mentioned ingredients are doing the job.

Thunderstorm

I'm in the middle of a thunderstorm here. I love thunders. Especially these big ones. Lightnings, thunders, wind, rain... It all calms me down. It does. I need a thunderstorm from time to time... I feel safe in a thunderstorm regardless of whether in a tent or in my apartment or in a yacht cabin when belayed somewhere. I love it.

Absence

Wow, it's been a while... I am wondering why... Guess I made a lot of entries in my camera diary at home so did not feel compelled to write anything here.

Anyway, currently I am playing Battlefield 2142 on-line (currently popular FPS game) most of the time. I like it. It may be considered not an optimal way to spend your free time, especially at age of 30 but hey, I don't have kids and yet have some time and money to spend on me so why not. This will not be so forever. So I'm using it to my pleasure.

In connection with playing this game, and I have returned to on-line playground after quite some time (actually because of my girlfriend who wanted to play Quake with me (sic!)) I bought a gamepad keyboard - the Zboard Fang (very cool), the Logitech G5 Laser refresh mouse (even greater) and an icemat (glass mousepad for laser mice).

I suppose again its something about my childhood again, but I just love to play first person shooters(especially these army-related and not some freaky monster shooters) because it relieves me of any stress whatsoever.